In Black Crayon
by triggerhappy.antagonist
Summary: During The Time Light Was Chained To Ryuuzaki He Kept A Journal, In Which He Wrote His Most Deep And Vehement Thoughts. [Antagonist!Light] [Oblivous!Ryuuzaki] The SugarFixated Detective Through The Eyes Of Yagami Light.
1. Entry One

**In Black Crayon**

**  
(October The Second)**

_Dear Journal,_

_On the evening of October the second, 2004, at exactly 10:47 the handcuff was fastened on my wrist.  
Yes, that's right. Handcuff. A chunk of cold metal clamped on my skin.  
Why is it there? Because it was too small to fit around my neck.  
Haha._

Yagami Light briefly paused in his writing to scratch at his shackle-embraced wrist. The metal consistently rubbed against his skin, irritating it and causing the flesh to swell. It was quite painful. Not that he would complain about it, though.

_It's there because I've been accused of murder._  
…_Well, murdering, actually.  
I believe the correct term is 'manslaughter'.  
Even though I can't recall ever slaughtering anyone or committing homicidal acts.  
They chained me up anyway._

Once again, Light's writing came to a halt. He fixated a hostile glare upon the dark-haired, bug-eyed young man sitting just across from him.

_It's not the handcuffs that really bother me.  
It's the guy on the other end of the chain.  
His name is Ryuga Hideki/L/Ryuuzaki.  
And I want to strangle him with my bare hands._

Ryuuzaki finally became aware of the fact that Light was attempting to burn holes into his head. "Is there something wrong, Light-kun?" he asked, genuinely curious but without an ounce of sentiment in his voice.

Light shifted in his seat. "No." he lied, looking away.

_Ryuuzaki is not an incomplex being.  
He's abstruse and enigmatic.  
He's complicated and incomprehensible.  
He holds the key to my shackles.  
I would probably like him a little more if he'd give me a pen instead of a stupid crayon.  
A stupid __**black**__ crayon.  
I wish I could choke him with it._

"Would you like some cake?" Ryuuzaki inquired, benevolently indicating to a small piece of vanilla-strawberry cake.

"No." Light didn't even look up. "I'm not hungry."

"Good. I'll take it, then." Ryuuzaki gently brought the pastry over to his section of the table and jabbed his fork into it.

_It doesn't make sense.  
He gives me this stupid journal and tells me to write in it.  
But he doesn't tell me what to write.  
Is it another one of his schemes?  
Damnit, why must he be so difficult?_

Light watched Ryuuzaki lift his fork, holding it between his thumb and index finger in a peculiar way. He brought the morsel of cake to his mouth, chewed, and swallowed it. Then he wiped his lips on the back of his hand, and the back of his hand on the faded material of his jeans.

Light blinked.

_I have never written an introspective before._

_-Light_

**--------O-------- **

Light's stomach emitted an agonized growl. He had not eaten in a long time. So caught up was he in the apprehensiveness of the current case, he'd disregarded the needs of his body.

From his position sitting uncomfortably close to the edge of a chair set next to the dining table, he warily eyed Ryuuzaki, who was traipsing aimlessly about in the diminutive and far too restricted pocket-space that had been formally deemed a kitchen. His movements and actions were maladroit and much too inept to correctly accomplish such meager tasks.

Light followed Ryuuzaki's pale, gangly arm as it shot up and disappeared into a cupboard. He fumbled for a moment before producing a crumbled box and setting it on the counter. Light leaned to one side, barely catching a glimpse of the battered cardboard.

_He's making… oatmeal?_ Light's eye twitched. Oatmeal was not exactly what he would call a very filling evening meal.

"Oatmeal?" Light voiced his thoughts aloud. He felt his handcuffed wrist jerk as Ryuuzaki bent over to dig in one of the lower cupboards. Light briefly wondered what his shoe would look like hiked up in Ryuuzaki's butt.

"Yes, '_Cream Of Wheat'_," Ryuuzaki replied, momentarily lifting his head to flash the ginger-haired prodigy a miniscule grin before reemerging it into the cupboard.

Light was starting to regret confessing his hunger to the detective earlier. "Why oatmeal?" he asked somewhat curtly.

"Because oatmeal is full of vitamins and nutrients."

"No. Really."

Ryuuzaki finally emerged from the cupboard, a dented pot clasped in his spindly fingers. "I just felt like making oatmeal tonight."

Light was not convinced. He knew for a fact that Watari usually made and brought meals for Ryuuzaki (most of which consisted of naught but cakes and chocolate). He had never known Ryuuzaki to cook or bake on his own. Hell; he doubted that one with such arthritic-like fingers as the detective could perform such a chore.

Ryuuzaki set the pot on the stove and turned the knob, causing the burners to glow red. He then measured a cup or so of cold milk and dumped it into the pot, along with an excessive amount of oatmeal grains and about a half-cup of sugar.

Light's eye twitched again. He briefly touched his face, vaguely wondering if he had a chronic twitch syndrome. "Ryuuzaki," he addressed the young man calmly, with discreet irritation in his voice.

"Hmm?" Ryuuzaki didn't look up from his attempted semblance of oatmeal, which he was now adding a tablespoon of salt and a handful of baking soda to. The murky, aqueous concoction in the pot began to bubble dangerously close to the edges of the rim.

"Have you ever.. cooked before?" Light stared at the frothing compound apprehensively.

"No," Ryuuzaki replied as he stirred his foaming attempt at oatmeal with an aluminum soup ladle and remained totally oblivious to the fact that his concoction was bubbling over the rim of the pot and the stove burners were beginning to emanate smoke. "Why do you ask?"

**--------O-------- **

_Dear Journal,_

_Ryuuzaki is an idiot.  
A brainless, sugar-fixated moron with a superiority complex.  
And a bad haircut.  
I should have shoved his head into the burning pot when I had the chance.  
Too bad._

"My apologies, Light-kun."

Light brusquely slammed his journal shut and glared up at the disheveled detective, who was trying futilely to rub the chunks of charred oatmeal out of his hair with a sopping dish towel.

"I did not know that oatmeal, sugar, salt, baking soda, and milk created such an explosive reaction when combined with vinegar." Ryuuzaki pulled a hunk of sticky sugar the size of a grape from his raven-black tresses, examined it closely, then popped it into his mouth.

Light made a face. "You're lucky that Watari and my father got there on time. A second later, and we would have lost the whole kitchen."

"Light-kun's father is a very tactical man," Ryuuzaki agreed. "I would have never thought of using that table cloth to extinguish the flames."

"Well, he's had experience in the past," Light replied. _Like the time I put dry cup ramen in the microwave and it caught on fire…_

"I've never seen anyone throw a burning pot of oatmeal out the window of the 30-story skyscraper." Ryuuzaki said in slight awe. He tugged on the chain, indicating for Light to follow him into the bathroom so he could wash the mush out of his hair.

Light's eye twitched. "Like I said, he has experience."

_I'm fortunate to have such quick, impulsive reflexes.  
If I hadn't used Ryuuzaki as a shield, I would have gotten a face full of flaming oatmeal.  
Then again, if Ryuuzaki hadn't been attempting to make oatmeal  
I wouldn't have been at risk of getting a face full of flaming oatmeal.  
That bastard.  
That was a really nice tablecloth, too. I loved the multi-colored leaf designs.  
Too bad it got torched._  
…_Maybe I should have told them about the fire extinguisher next to the door…_

"Light-kun, can you pass me a wash cloth, please?" Ryuuzaki asked from within the shower, where he was currently engrossed in a futile struggle to remove the sticky chunks of hot cereal from his hair. It seemed like quite an implausible task, considering that he'd been in the shower for over fifteen minutes now.

Correction; sixteen minutes and four seconds.

Without a response, Light deftly tossed a wash cloth into the shower. "Anything else you need while my hands are free?" he asked, voice dripping with sarcasm. Hey, he had the right to be sardonic towards Ryuuzaki. The idiot had quite nearly killed him trying to make oatmeal.

There was a pause. "…Yes, actually. Hand me that bottle of conditioner on the counter, please."

Light blinked. Obviously, Ryuuzaki had issues when it came to detecting sarcasm. Nonetheless, Light grabbed the bottle and —albeit with a little too much force— hurled it into the shower. He was not the least bit surprised when he heard the detective catch it without effort and utter a quick, "Thank you."

Light sighed. He shuffled his position on the toilet seat and fanned away the hot mist streaming from the shower.

_It hasn't even been a full day yet and I'm already sick of him.  
Sure, I hadn't expected it to be easy being chained to Ryuuzaki.  
But I didn't think I'd be sitting on the toilet, writing in my journal about flaming oatmeal  
While waiting for a sugar-feasting moron to wash his hair.  
Hell, the man uses conditioner for pity sake!  
Oh, look, I just filled up the first page of my journal._

_Fancy that._

_-Light_

Light tucked his journal away and waited patiently for Ryuuzaki to finish his shower. At the rate he was going at, Light knew he would be waiting for a long time. He looked around for something —anything— to keep him occupied and distracted. His eyes finally settled upon Ryuuzaki's toilet-paper holder, which was in the unique shape of a fluffy white cat.

"Is Light-kun still hungry?" Ryuuzaki asked tentatively, sticking his head out from behind the rubber-ducky shower curtains to give the man in question an inquisitive look.

_No, dumbshit. _Light thought vehemently as he fondled the little fluffy cat toilet-paper holder._ All that charred, rotten oatmeal that I ate off the sidewalk filled me up pretty good, but thank you anyway. Moron._Keeping his tongue in check, he answered with a nonchalant shrug. "Somewhat."

"Watari said he would make dinner for us. I just wanted to know if Light-kun would like anything…" Ryuuzaki trailed off.

"Well…" Light paused to think. What he would really like right now is a cheeseburger and fries, though he doubted Ryuuzaki desired the same. "I don't know; what do you feel like?"

Light poked the little cats' fluffy pink ears. They were unusually soft for a toiletry item.

The gears in Ryuuzaki's head began to churn. "Well… I don't know about Light-kun, but right now I would really like a bowl of oatmeal."

The poor kitty's right ear was suddenly ripped off. Light felt his whole face twitch at not only the utter and astounding stupidity of the detective, but the fact that he'd nearly decapitated a poor, defenseless toilet-paper holder cat.

_Freaking idiot! You've __**got**__ to be kidding!_

**--------O-------- **

**I Started Writing This Around A Month Back, But Never Actually Thought About Posting It Until Now. Hell, It Was Just A Humor-Shit-Drabble I Jot Down One Day For The Fun Of It. But, It Evolved Into Much More. I Find It Quite Funny, Don't You?**

**R.I.P. The Toilet-Paper Holder Cat's Right Ear. (And Poor Light's Sanity.)**

**Reviews Are Nice, You Know. Criticism Will Be Graciously Accepted, As Well As Opinions And Comments. Look Out For The Second Chapter. And, Trust Me, It Gets Even Funnier As It Goes Along. Also, Yes, The Chapters Are Going To Be This Short. I Think It Adds To The Whole Introspective Idea Of It.**

**(EDIT: I Edited Out Most Of The Swearing In **_**In Black Crayon**_**. When I Finally Got Around To Reading It, I Noted That As The Story Carried On My Cursing Gradually Became More And More Prominent. So, I Replaced Most Of It.)**


	2. Entry Two

**In Black Crayon**

**  
(October The Third) **

_**Yagami Light's Observations Of A Sugar-Fixated Insomniac**  
Subject: Ryuga Hideki/L/Ryuuzaki  
Has black hair and black eyes  
Likes sugar, tea, playing Pacman on his laptop, and fairy-tale happy endings.  
Dislikes sleeping, vegetables and fruits, socks, and Stephen King novels.  
Cannot cook to save his life.  
And—_

Ryuuzaki's foot suddenly connected with Light's gut. Wincing sharply, Light turned to glare at the sleeping detective beside him, who mumbled, grabbed the blanket covers and rolled over, pulling Light's handcuffed wrist with him.

Light sighed.

_Kicks in his sleep._

"Donuts…" Ryuuzaki mumbled. Light heard a noise reminiscent to that of a gargling llama emit from the unconscious detective's mouth, and realized that Ryuuzaki was drooling.

Light made a face. At that moment, he desperately wanted to shove his foot up into the wee crevices of Ryuuzaki's butt. However, this was the first time he'd seen Ryuuzaki sleep. Ever. From what he knew, the detective was a diehard insomniac, so sleeping was very rare for him. Light should use whatever few hours he does sleep to his advantage to get some sleep, himself.

Hell; who knew how long Ryuuzaki would stay in that unconscious state for? Light was wasting his time.

Sliding his journal under his pillow, Light stretched over and snatched the bed covers from Ryuuzaki's grasp. He carefully untangled the blankets from the lanky body and wrapped them over himself, leaving the poor detective alone and exposed to fend for himself against the bitter cold of the early October night.

Light pushed himself as far away from Ryuuzaki as the diminutive single bed would permit, until he was quite literally teetering over the mattress end, with only his precision balance and tightly bound wrist preventing him from plunging to the floor.

Although it took a few painfully long minutes for Light to become comfortable on the hard, oreo-cookie reeking mattress, he soon drifted off into a deep, mind-consuming state of unconsciousness.

Finally.

**--------O--------**

"Light-kun."

"Liiiiiiight-kuuuuun."

Light stirred in his sleep.

"Light-kun, wake up."

Something very vague was attempting to penetrate into his slumbering conscience. But he could not distinguish what it was.

"Yagami-kuuuuuun, wake up."

Something… something with spider-like fingers, poking his back and sides. And hot, cookie-laced breath, exhaling on his bare neck and spreading potentially life-threatening germs on his skin. Something with a raw, raspy voice, whispering at him.. whispering to him.

Could it be…?

_**Cookie monster.**_

Light spontaneously bolted up, flailing his arms about in a vain attempt to ward off the delusive blue monster looming over him. His actions so delusional, Ryuuzaki drew back in slight apprehension. "L-Light-kun, what are you doing?"

"Get back! Get back!" The teen shrieked, twisting around in the knotted blankets encircling his convulsing body. "Run, Mr. Kristie, run! Ahhh!" Light jerked around and suddenly tumbled off the diminutive bed. The limited chain connecting him to the detective ran taut, and Ryuuzaki was instantly dragged down with him.

The two lie on the ground, entangled in a mess of limbs, bed sheets, and stale cookie crumbs. Light finally awoke from his heinous nightmare, and the horrific blue-haired, bug-eyed apparition was replaced by what appeared to be his pale, shaven counterpart.

Light froze. "R… Ryuuzaki?" Not blue. Not hairy. Not at all abominable. _Not Cookie monster_. Light breathed a sigh of relief and slumped back against the hard floor.

"Light-kun never told me he hallucinated about phantasms." Ryuuzaki said quietly as he attempted to untangle himself.

Light shot the detective a disdainful look. He reached up and carefully plucked a sticky cookie crumb from Ryuuzaki's unruly hair. "You never told me you ate cookies in the bed."

"I was hungry." Ryuuzaki squirmed uncomfortably within the massive mound of blankets. He was beginning to feel claustrophobic.

Light rolled his eyes.

**--------O--------**

_Dear Journal,_

_I know he knows.  
I know he knows I know.  
He knows I know he knows that I know.  
Damn him._

Light glared ferociously at the young man sitting opposite of him at the kitchen table. His glare was as vicious as his thoughts. Typical Ryuuzaki remained completely impervious, and concentrated solely on the golden, powdered-sugar-and-syrup laced waffles that Watari had generously given him for breakfast.

Of course, Watari hadn't offered any food to the poor, ravenous teenager. Light _was_ a suspected murderer, after all. And, like all suspected murders, he was not graced with the luxury of decent food.

_I hope he develops diabetes one day.  
He deserves it.  
Freaking idiot.  
Look at me already, damnit!  
I'm burning holes into your stupid empty head!_

_-Light_

"Is Light-kun angry?"

Said teenager in question looked up from his journal, where he'd been savagely obliterating the page with deep, angry, slashing words with his crayon. His bright eyes clashed against Ryuuzaki's dark ones.

"Light-kun looks angry," Ryuuzaki said, wiping the powdered sugar from his mouth with the back of his bony hand. "Is Light-kun hungry, perhaps?"

It took a surprisingly large amount of will-power to keep himself in check. Light forced —much against the will of his fuming conscience— a convincingly modest grin onto his face. "No, I'm fine, Ryuuzaki. This _creepy_ Watari made for me is very delicious."

To make his words seem more genuine, Light picked up the flat, rolled-up nutriment Watari had given him and took a bite. He smiled widely through a mouthful of masticated food, and tried hard not to gag. The morsel he'd been served tasted like flat bread.

"I am glad," Ryuuzaki replied, returning to his own meal to tentatively pick a chunk of saccharine-drowned waffle. "I don't want poor Light-kun to emaciate."

Light snorted through his nose, swallowing the bite of half-chewed aqueous solution that once was food in his mouth. He stifled a gag by faking it as a breathy exhalation.

"By the way," Ryuuzaki added without skipping a beat. His face set in complete sincerity. "Light-kun is eating a _crêpe_, not a_creepy_."

Of all the subliminal messages Light had shot at the detective that had wound up simply bouncing off his empty-minded head, Light was sure that this one had reached him.

_Up yours_.

**--------O--------**

Light remained in his purely irate mental state for many hours following breakfast. The aggravating fact that Ryuuzaki had not only remained completely oblivious to Light's blatant rage and obscene subliminal messages sent to him, but also had the _nerve_ to correct his erroneous pronunciation of foreign words was downright irking.

Light traipsed after the hunched detective all morning, bouncing nocuous, yet sadly, impenetrable glares off the back of his head, mentally contemplating the most affective way to eradicate him without causing trouble, then making failed attempts to injure the detective by throwing wads of crumbled paper at him behind his back, and pretending to trip and slam the detectives face into the keyboard while he was researching.

Light's rage finally got the better of him, and at exactly five minutes before twelve, his patience snapped and he ruthlessly and mercilessly beat the poor, unsuspecting Ryuuzaki across the head with an over-ripened banana and a homicidal intent.

So now, exactly a quarter-past twelve and after the almost-could-be-considered attempted murder, Light found himself sitting on the toilet, legs drawn close, and feeling as though he were boiling internally as cool steam drifted from within the shower, where Ryuuzaki was trying to wash the pale mush out of his hair.

"Light-kun could have asked me if I wanted a banana instead of hitting me with it," Ryuuzaki said, voice drowned by the sound of running water. "I would have gladly accepted."

Light ground his jaw and seethed. "I was only trying to _help_ you, Ryuuzaki. I saw a _fly_ land on your head," he lied, forcing each word out slowly.

"Oh." A thoughtful pause. "…I was going to eat that banana, Light-kun."

Sighing heavily in defeat, Light pulled his journal out from behind his back and set it on his lap.

_Dear Journal,_

_I should have stabbed him in the eye.  
Really.  
The sheer force of the bananas tip being drove into his eye should have ruptured his sclera.  
Damnit. I wasn't thinking.  
Damnit._

"Will Light-kun do me a favor?"

Light paused in his fervent writing to stare at the rubber-ducky bath curtains enveloping the shower.

"In the bottom drawer under the sink there is a box with two brownies and a piece of cherry pie in it." Through the curtains, Light could make out Ryuuzaki's erect finger pointing out the drawer. "Will you please bring the pie to me?"

Light felt his brow twitch. Pie? In the _shower_? Ugh! Imagine the gross, moldy mess it would leave clogged in the drain! Oh, God, and the smell! "No." Light replied flatly.

"Oh."

Another thoughtful pause.

"Can Light-kun bring me a fork then, please? I made a muffin out of the banana in my hair, and I don't want to leave a mess."

The entire left half of Light's face twitched. Nonetheless, he reached over, plucked a fork off the bathroom counter, and deftly tossed it over the shower curtain. It never even struck him as strange that there was a fork on the bathroom counter. This _was_ Ryuuzaki, after all.

A muffled "Thank you," was heard, followed by scraping (yes, _scraping_), and the distinguishable sound of open-mouthed chewing.

The utter and pure stupidity that man possessed was truly stupendous. Light was almost in awe at the sheer amount of imprudence the detectives' empty brain held.

_Dear God, I hope stupidity isn't contagious.  
What if I've caught it already?  
Do I feel imbecilic or brainless in any way?  
Is that a craving for cake I feel in my gut?  
Oh my God, what's the capital of Utah? I can't remember!  
Damn you, Ryuuzaki!_

_-Light_

"By the way, Light-kun," Ryuuzaki said quietly, voice muffled through a mouthful of banana. "My suspicion of you being Kira has gone up three percent since you tried to murder me with a banana."

**--------O--------**

**I Really Like This Chapter. It Was Very Fun To Write, And At Certain Times I Found Myself Giggling Madly While Typing. (Cough**_**Creepy**_**Cough). I Hope You Enjoyed It As Much As I Did. Reviews Are Nice, You Know. Criticism Is Welcome, As Are Comments And Opinions. Please Don't Hesitate To Speak Your Mind.**

**Ahahaha… Creepy. What Was I Thinking?**


	3. Entry Three

**In Black Crayon**

**  
(October The Fourth)**

_Dear Journal,_

_Just a quick test.  
Two plus two equals four.  
So far so good._

Out of the corner of his eye, Light glanced warily at Ryuuzaki, who was staring fixatedly at his laptop screen. He looked closely at the detective's mouth and nose. Were there imbecile germs currently escaping through? He couldn't tell.

_I think the disease is spreading.  
Yesterday, Ryuuzaki walked into a wall and stood there blinking until I turned him around.  
Then I walked into the same wall._  
…_Pity._

Light leaned to one side and tried to look at Ryuuzaki's laptop screen. From his position five feet away from the detective, the screen appeared shadowed. Light could distinguish only faint sounds and bright, vivid flashes every now-and-then.

He was not interested. It was probably just another Kira website that Ryuuzaki'd stumbled upon. Light turned away and feigned fascination in the Kira article he'd set up on his laptop, even though it wasn't about Kira. Hell; it wasn't even an article. It was a Spanish compositional synopsis of the movie _The Dukes Of Hazard_.

Light didn't want Ryuuzaki to know that he was writing in his journal.

_If Ryuuzaki knew I was journaling he'd want to read it.  
Then, somehow, he'd come up with the conclusion that Kira keeps a journal.  
Then he'd say that his suspicion of me being Kira has gone up four percent.  
Then I'd have to hit him again.  
And I've run out of sharp, solid items._  
…_I suppose that bonsai plant could suffice.  
If I cracked the pot over his head and stuffed his mouth with leaves._

"Hmm, I can't loan anymore money from the bank…" Ryuuzaki said softly.

Light concealed his journal and turned to look at the detective. Had he just imagined it, or had the detective just spoke of money problems?

"I guess I will have to fire Jimmy-san…" Ryuuzaki paused thoughtfully and chewed on his fingernail. "He was such a good employee…"

Light blinked, his full attention now fixed on the incomprehensible detective.

"Oh, I just drowned another mechanic. Darn. I shouldn't have put that lake there…" Another thoughtful pause. Ryuuzaki shuffled his mouse around and clicked rapidly.

Now, Light was slightly alarmed. Did Ryuuzaki have some of his employees caught on camera? What did he mean when he spoke of drowning and firing? Did he…? No. No way. There was no way Ryuuzaki possessed the power to control the actions of his employees.

…Or did he?

" R-Ryuuzaki," Light carefully addressed the dark-haired insomniac. "What are you doing?"

"I'm partaking in a motivational simulation strategy computer game," Ryuuzaki replied without removing his unwavering gaze from the laptop screen.

"A… what?"

"It's called_RollerCoaster Tycoon_," Ryuuzaki explained. "I'm trying to turn _L's Candy Carnival _into a monopoly utopia."

Such an obtuse idea took some time to register into Light's brain. "So— wait, you aren't researching? You're… you're playing a computer game?"

"For the time being, yes. Until my new Pacman game arrives, I will have to endure this less-exciting game. Shame." He shuffled and clicked his mouse again, and Light barely heard the audible _Cha-Ching_ noise that signified the loss or gain of money.

Light was in awe. Somewhere out there, a merciless killer was wreaking havoc. And what was the world's most trusted and depended on detective doing? Playing computer games.

_God's sake.  
I should just put him out of his misery right now.  
What a waste of air.  
Computer games… is he freaking serious?_

"You've become sullen, Light-kun," Ryuuzaki stated. "Would Light-kun like to join me? We can change the theme park name to _L and Light's Candy Carnival_, if you'd like. I'm sure Light-kun's assistance would benefit for all my customers."

"No." Light replied flatly. He didn't want to put himself in close propinquity with Ryuuzaki for fear of catching his anomalous disease.

"Is Light-kun certain? I'm positive he will enjoy it…" the detective paused suddenly, his mouth arching into a semblance of a frown. "Oh, dear._The Candy Coaster Of Death_ has broken down and the mechanic is trapped in the Panda Petting zoo…"

Light twitched ever so slightly.

_If I slammed his head against the laptop really hard  
Then smashed the top down on his head repeatedly.  
I'm sure it will cause internal bleeding.  
Even if it doesn't,  
There's always the bonsai tree._

_-Light_

**--------O--------**

_Dear Journal,_

_I officially loathe Ryuuzaki.  
He named one of the park customers Yagami Light  
Then he stuck him in the Panda Petting zoo  
And he fell into the water hole and drowned.  
That bastard.  
He probably did it on purpose._

"I have some bad news, Light-kun," Ryuuzaki said, spinning around in his swivel chair to look at Light. From behind him, Light could see the white, cursive W sigil against the black background. "Watari had to drive down to Kyoto to pick up my Pacman game. He will not return until tomorrow morning."

Light blinked. Watari made very rare appearances, only spoke to Ryuuzaki, and beyond that, played no part in the investigation team besides acting as Ryuuzaki's bitch. "And.. how is that a problem?" Light asked.

"He will not be here to make dinner for us tonight," Ryuuzaki replied, chewing his thumbnail. "He said he left a crêpe in the fridge for Light-kun, but he forgot it was for Light and he fed it to his pet chinchilla."

"Watari has a pet chinchilla?" Light furrowed a brow. Somehow, Watari did not seem like the type to keep pets.

"Yes, and if you eat or make an attempt to digest or consume him in any way, my suspicion of you being Kira will increase one point two percent." The detective was dead serious.

"Ryuuzaki!" Light was appalled. "I'm not going to eat Watari's chinchilla!"

"Denial; zero point three percent."

"Damnit, Ryuuzaki!"

"Cursing my name; one percent."

"Pissing me off; ten percent!" Light spat.

"Retorting sharply; two point two percent."

"God damn you, Ryuuzaki!" Light stood up, fuming.

Ryuuzaki was impervious. "Light-kun, how about we drop this frivolous dispute and focus on more important subjects, like what we are going to do about dinner tonight, or how absolutely scintillating my new Pacman game is going to be."

"No! No, we're not going to drop this frivolous dispute, matterless of how trivial it is!" Light shouted irately. "I'm sick of your indifference! Your diet and eating habits disgust me, and the fact that you're completely disregarding this significant murder case to play computer games is absolutely abhorrent! Not to mention that you kick me while sleeping and snore like a chainsaw!"

Ryuuzaki blinked. "We all have flaws, Light-kun," he said. "Like your fashion sense, which is quite dreadful. Is Light-kun attempting to impersonate a eunuch?"

The ginger-haired prodigy was quite nearly frothing at the mouth, he was so angry. "You— You— Argh, I'm repulsed by your presence! The very atmosphere about you makes me want to strangle kittens!"

"Mentions of homicidal acts, four percent," Ryuuzaki replied, undaunted by Light's anger.

"RYUUZAKI!" Light roared. "Do you want to know what I really think of you? Really?" He didn't wait for a response. Stomping over to Ryuuzaki's desk, he snatched up the first sheet of paper he saw, then proceeded to wipe it across the seat of his pants.

"There!" Light cried, crumbling the paper and crushing it under his foot. "That's what I think of you and your research, you bastard."

Light waited silently for Ryuuzaki's reaction.

The detective merely stared. "Light-kun, that was a picture of your Father that you just defiled." He indicated to the mutilated picture. And, upon closer inspection, Light discovered that Ryuuzaki was right.

Light's eye twitched ever so slightly. His cheeks flamed, and, for a split-second, there appeared to be little horns sticking out from the top of his head. "Ryuuzaki," he said, voice disturbingly calm. "I'm going to kill you."

"Claims of homicidal acts —zero point five percent!" Was the last thing Ryuuzaki said before he was violently and unexpectedly tackled by the enraged teenager.

**--------O--------**

_Dear Journal,_

_Apparently, the suspicion of me being Kira is at a solid twenty-three percent.  
I reduced it quite a bit.  
Ironic, though, because the only way I could decrease it was by mercilessly beating Ryuuzaki  
While he screamed, "Thirty four percent! Thirty two percent!"  
I stopped when he got to twenty three.  
Not because I was satisfied with the number.  
I accidentally knocked Ryuuzaki unconscious.  
I think it happened when I smashed my laptop over his head.  
But I'm not certain._

Light paused to rub at the swollen, discolored bruise that had become of his eye, courtesy of Ryuuzaki's foot. He was painfully aware that by tomorrow, his vision out of that eye would be obscured greatly. And, that was not even the worst of his wounds.

His wrist was sprained, his elbows scraped, a chunk of hair was missing from the back of his head, a gash ran along the back of his knee from when he'd been bumped by a two-by-four, and his tie had somehow gotten entangled in an impossible knot around his ankle.

Ryuuzaki, however, received much worse. Light was not familiar with all of his injuries, but he was pretty sure that his left toes were somehow damaged and he had some type of internal brain damage or hemorrhage. The full blunt of the head damage he received came from Light's laptop and a pomegranate.

Light glanced over at Ryuuzaki, who was completely dead to the world. It amazed even Light that someone suffering from possible concussion and hemorrhaging could sleep with such ease.

Then again, maybe he wasn't sleeping.

_Well, it would serve him right if he died.  
Mocking me the way he does.  
Who does he think he is?  
Freaking bastard.  
He deserved every hit he got.  
Stupid, imbecilic, sugar-obsessed, half-ass son of a…  
Damnit, move already! I can't even tell if you're alive or not, you moron!_

Light poked Ryuuzaki in the forehead with his crayon, just to ensure that he was still breathing. Not that Light cared or anything. He just didn't want to have to dispose the body, or be faced with the accusations of killing him.

Unfortunately, Ryuuzaki didn't respond. Light poked him again. No response. Light blew in his face. No response.

Light was just about to jam his crayon up Ryuuzaki's nose, when the detective mumbled incoherently and turned around, forcing his back to Light. The ginger-haired prodigy stared at the back of Ryuuzaki's head for a long time.

_I didn't hurt him that bad.  
Not enough to actually kill him, anyway.  
He still has the key to the handcuffs.  
Oh, crap.  
You'd better not be dead, Ryuuzaki.  
If you are, I'll kill you._

"Ryuuzaki?" Light poked the detective's shoulder gingerly. He was still apprehensive about the possibility of catching Ryuuzaki's mental illness. "Ryuuzaki, wake up."

No response.

"Ryuuzaki, wake up," Light repeated louder. "Get up, bastard."

No response.

Light heaved a defeated sigh. Ryuuzaki's lack of response only led him to believe that he'd seriously mangled the insomniac beyond repair. And, with the loss of the coruscate detective, Kira would never be caught, and would continue his reign of execution.

Somewhere deep inside, where Light harvested his most discreet emotions, he withheld a sense of slight remorse. Even if Ryuuzaki deserved a knock of good sense, he didn't deserve one that would permanently damage him for good.

Exhaling tiredly, Light reached over and touched Ryuuzaki's scrawny shoulder and gave it a gentle shake.

Suddenly, unexpectedly, Ryuuzaki turned around, and before Light could react, he sunk his unnaturally sharp teeth into Light's hand and bit down hard. The teenager twitched, but remained motionless. The detective ground the flesh with his jaw for a while, before finally relenting and drawing back, licking his lips. "Muffins…" he mumbled.

Light stared down at his lacerated hand. Raw teeth marks covered his knuckle in a semi-circle. Deeper marks even punctured the skin, leaving slivers of blood. The prodigy gaped, appalled.

"You… you just bit me…" he gasped in astonishment.

And, at that moment, Light suffered from a spontaneous case of personality change. He kicked Ryuuzaki hard as he could without shoes, yanked away his bed covers and pillow, and returned to his side of the bed.

_I can't believe he just bit me!  
Remorse be damned.  
I hope he burns in the flaming pits of Hell.  
He put my hand in his mouth!  
That bastard!  
Dear God, he doesn't have rabies, does he?_

_-Light_

**--------O--------**

**Thank You To All Who Reviewed And Favorited **_**In Black Crayon**_**. I Appreciate It Very Much. I Apologize For The Wait. I Had Planned To Finish This Chapter In A Day Or So And Submit It, But There Was A Three-Day Delay Because Of… Family Issues.**


	4. Entry Four

**In Black Crayon**

**  
(October The Fifth)**

_Dear Journal,_

_Good news, bad news, and worse news.  
The bad news is that Ryuuzaki woke up this morning.  
Pity.  
The good news is that I wasn't foaming at the mouth when I woke up.  
And the worse news… Watari isn't back yet._

Light's crayon trailed off the paper as he stifled a yawn. Ryuuzaki had woken him up at five this morning to use the lavatory. Usually a simple task, but of course, nothing is easy for Ryuuzaki.

He accidentally dropped his donut in the toilet, and when he went to fish it out, involuntarily pressed the flusher, thus lodging his hand into the waste pipe. When Light, who was waiting outside, went to jerk open the door to find out what was wrong, he got the knob jammed, ergo locking Ryuuzaki in.

_God's sake.  
Ryuuzaki truly is an incompetent being.  
He should be outlawed.  
Why isn't stupidity a crime?_

Light wound up picking through the door lock with one of Misa's bobby pins, and quite nearly had a mental breakdown when he discovered that the reason behind all of Ryuuzaki's shouting and cries for help were because he'd gotten his hand stuck in the toilet.

_It was a real struggle to free his hand.  
I really hoped— thought— we were going to have to amputate it.  
But then, to my dismay, I found out that the only reason we couldn't free his hand  
Was because Ryuuzaki had his fist clenched around the donut.  
That idiot._

In the end, Light somehow managed to dislodge Ryuuzaki's hand. The enigmatic detective did not even bother to clean himself up, or even thank Light. He instead fished the soggy donut out of the toilet bowl and engulfed it in one satisfied bite.

_Unbefreakinglievable.  
Next time, I'll just drown him in the toilet bowl.  
What a waste of sixty minutes.  
I could have been sleeping._

_-Light_

Even writing the word made Light tired. He stashed away his journal and laid his head on the table. He had to confess that the old tablecloth felt much better underneath his head than cold wood.

"How many pancakes will Light-kun eat?" Ryuuzaki asked from the within the kitchen, where he hovered in front of the stove with a spatula in hand.

"Pancakes?" Light repeated lethargically. He was much too tired to force sardonicism or resentment into his tone. "Why pancakes?"

"Because we ran out of oatmeal."

Ask a stupid question…

"Ryuuzaki," Light groaned. "Don't start cooking again. You know you can't cook to save your life. I don't want to have to go through the oatmeal incident again." Just in case Ryuuzaki's mental illness was farther along than he'd anticipated, Light added, "you remember the oatmeal, incident, right? Torched tablecloth. Hint, hint."

"Of course I do." Ryuuzaki turned to the bowl of unidentifiable aqueous solution he had created and beat it with a spoon. "But, Watari will not return until later. He got held up in traffic. So, it fell upon me to make breakfast."

Light was tempted to point out that fast food was always an option, but kept his tongue in check. Last night, Ryuuzaki had tried to order fast-food for dinner, but accidentally called the funeral home instead. Needless to say, the undertaker was non too thrilled when he received a phone call requesting two number fours, one with cheese, a side salad and two cokes.

"Why can't we just have cereal?" Light asked, not even bothering to conceal the exhaustion in his voice.

"But, Light-kun, then this pancake batter I made shall go to waste," Ryuuzaki replied. He paused suddenly as a spontaneous thought struck him. "Why? Is Light-kun not feeling hungry? Is he feeling… full?"

The suspicion in his voice did not go unnoticed. Just as Light was about to contradict, Ryuuzaki stooped over him, forced his jaw open and prodded through his teeth with pale, arthritic fingers.

Light was appalled. He jerked away, gagging, and clutched his throat. "R-Ryuuzaki! What the hell?" he cried. "What's wrong with you? Mother of crap, keep your hands to yourself, you freaking degenerate!"

"Calm down, Light-kun," Ryuuzaki said as he stood back up. "I was merely ensuring that you did not devour Watari's chinchilla while my back was turned. It would be quite dreadful if Watari were to return to find out that Light-kun eradicated Gregory."

"Ryuuzaki, do you have _any_ recollection of what you did to me last night?" Light asked, glaring at the detective. "You accuse me of attempting homicide, and yet, here _you_ are performing _cannibalistic_ acts when you think my back is turned!"

Ryuuzaki tilted his head in that perplexing way of his. "I haven't the slightest idea what Light-kun is talking about."

The ginger-haired prodigy rolled up his sleeve and shoved his lacerated hand in Ryuuzaki's face. The wound had swollen overnight, and was now colored an unhealthy red. The semi-circle of bite marks puncturing Light's knuckle were raw and bruised.

Ryuuzaki was silent for a long time. "Light-kun," he said at last. "Gregory does not like to be handled the wrong way. If you had been gentle while trying to consume him, he would not have bitten you."

The offhanded comment took some time to register into Light's mind, but when it did, it stabbed him like a knife. "For the love of crap's sake, Ryuuzaki! How many times do I have to tell you that I didn't touch Watari's chinchilla!" Light shouted. "We're chained together, damnit! Where I go, you go, get it? This wound is from _you_, when you bit me last night, you bastard!"

Ryuuzaki scratched his cheek, undaunted by Light's ranting. "Light-kun seeks attention, but he went some too far when he attempted self mutilation," he said. "And, placing the blame on myself only further convinces me that my hypothesis is correct."

He walked up to Light-kun and stood directly in front of him, only inches away. "Tell me, Light-kun, why do you feel the need to injure yourself and feast upon innocuous creatures to receive the attention you desire?"

For the first time in his life, Light's entire face convulsed in a way that could easily be described as borderline schizophrenic.

**--------O--------**

_Dear Journal,_

_How dare that idiot accuse me of seeking attention and self-mutilating!  
He acts as though I'm an unstable asylum patient!  
Even though it's obvious that it's he who desperately needs help.  
Pity's sake, he tried to cook pancakes in the microwave!  
He wrapped them in aluminum foil and placed them in a styrofoam bowl!  
Now we lost the microwave, too.  
Damn._

Light set his journal aside and picked at the meager nutriments that Ryuuzaki had placed in front of him. After the microwave had exploded, Ryuuzaki'd decided that having graham crackers and stale soda biscuits for breakfast would suffice.

Of course, Light did not at all trust the food he'd been given. It had been offered to him by Ryuuzaki, after all. Light doubted that it was really edible, and despite the protests of his stomach, refused to eat the meal.

"Would Light-kun care to assist me in building an oligopoly corporation out of graham crackers and soda biscuits?" Ryuuzaki asked from his position sitting opposite of Light at the table. He indicated to the diminutive, misshapen semblance of a slanted tower in front of him.

Light stared at the eccentric structure. "What is that?"

"I just told Light-kun it was an oligopoly corporation," Ryuuzaki replied. "I'm going to call it… _L's Saccharine Factory Of Cakes And Other Assorted Sweets Not To Be Consumed By Diabetics_."

Light blinked.

_Good grief.  
A graham cracker oligopoly corporation.  
Ryuuzaki has just taken stupidity to a new level.  
Why can't he unleash his creativity into more normal activities?  
Like knitting or carving people out of potatoes._

Light's hand tingled. He paused in his writing to glance down warily at his masticated knuckle. Was it just his delusional mind, or was the flesh starting to look infected?

_For the love of crap, he'd better not have rabies.  
He probably doesn't._  
…_Does he?  
Oh, God.  
What if he does?  
What if I catch it!  
Oh, God._

_-Light_

"R-Ryuuzaki," Light addressed the insomniac with a note of obvious distress in his tone.

"Hmm?" Ryuuzaki didn't look up from his little tower, to which he was currently adding a graham cracker chapel to.

"You don't— Uhh—" Light struggled to get the words out. "Do you… err, have you ever… been bitten by a foaming lemming?"

"I beg your pardon?" Ryuuzaki met Light's apprehensive gaze. "Why? Does this have anything to do with Light-kun eating Gregory? Is Light-kun implying that he did it?"

Light twitched slightly. Why was Ryuuzaki so damn _difficult_? "Damnit, Ryuuzaki, would you just drop that matter, already?" he groaned.

"Until Watari returns and confirms that his chinchilla is alive, unarmed, and not masticated in any way or form, you are under surveillance."

"What?— I thought I was under surveillance because you think I'm Kira— which I'm not."

"That, too." Ryuuzaki returned to his tower, and began to carefully glue little soda biscuit windows on the cracker walls.

"Look, Ryuuzaki," Light rubbed his temples. "I just want to know if you've ever been bitten by a foaming rodent."

"If Gregory bit you, Light-kun, I can clean and disinfect the wound. Where did he bite you?"

"I didn't touch the chinchilla! Holy crap…"

"He would not have had to resort to violence if you had left him alone," Ryuuzaki said pointedly.

"I told you, I didn't touch him!" Light slammed his fist on the table, causing Ryuuzaki's tower to quiver. "I just want to know whether or not you have rabies, damnit!"

Ryuuzaki struggled to stable his wavering structure. Despite Light's outburst, he remained completely indifferent. "Of course I don't have rabies, Light-kun. Though, if you do get rabies, it was probably because you provoked the chinchilla when you…"

Ryuuzaki never got to finish his sentence.

**--------O--------**

_Dear Journal,_

_I've decided that the most efficient way to kill Ryuuzaki  
Would be to feed him until his stomach implodes.  
That, or fatten him up and stuff him in the oven.  
But, taking into consideration the fact that the oven has been demolished,  
I'll have to build a catapult and fling him into the sun instead.  
Now, where can I purchase a catapult…?_

Light paused to think. His eyes trailed over to Ryuuzaki, and lingered on his hunched form. It was long after dinner, but the detective had yet to eat his meal. He was still stuck on the idea of building a corporation out of graham crackers.

Light glanced down at the edible structure sitting delicately in Ryuuzaki's arms. He had to admit, it was quite a spectacular work of art. The detail put into it was phenomenal, though he would never admit that to Ryuuzaki.

_He still hasn't told me whether or not he has rabies.  
Is it because he thinks the inquiry is ridiculous?  
Or… does he really have rabies and refuses to confess  
So that when I get them he can appoint me his rabid monkey pet.  
I bet that's what he's thinking.  
What an ass._

Light's gaze darkened into a malicious scowl. He glared fiercely at the presumed perpetrator.

_That's why he refused to answer my question.  
He does have rabies, and he wants me to get them, too.  
I bet he bit me on purpose last night.  
Bastard.  
Well, I'm not going to fall for his trap.  
I'm going to beat Ryuuzaki at his own game._

Light stood up, resolute and determined to execute his perfectly thought-out plan.

Ryuuzaki felt a tug on his handcuffed wrist and looked up from his cracker corporation to meet with Light's malevolently shadowed visage. "What is it, Light-kun?" he asked, clutching his hand-made structure to prevent it from crumbling.

The ginger-haired prodigy whipped his head around. His hazel eyes clashed against Ryuuzaki's obsidian optics. "Come, Ryuuzaki," he said in a tone much too deep to belong to him. "We're going to the Hospital."

The dark-haired insomniac jerked, startled. "Why?" he asked with wavering apprehension.

_To foil your evil plans, oh demoted one_. Light sneered in a most satanic way. "So I can get a rabies shot, of course."

_Checkmate, Ryuuzaki._

_-Light_

**--------O--------**

**I Apologize For This Atrocious Chapter. I Haven't Had Much Time To Write In The Past Week Due To… Family Issues. My Updates For **_**In Black Crayon**_** Will Be Scarce For The Following Few Weeks. Some Dilemmas Have Come Up, And I've Had To Attend To Them. I'm Sorry.**

**To Make Up For My Negligence, I've Written This Funny Drabble. (Well, Funny In My Opinion…)**

**  
How To Reduce 35 Episodes From **_**Death Note**_

_**By, TriggerHappyAntagonist (1992-?)**_

Ryuuzaki watched Light carefully. He took in every movement, every action, and every word he spoke. He observed every expression, every wince or cringe that appeared on his face.

He knew Light was Kira.

But, how would he trick Light into confessing it?

Ryuuzaki contemplated for a long time, then finally conjured up a plan.

Taking a deep breath, he turned to Light. "Kira," he said. Plain as day; that one, meager word.

"What?" Light replied distractedly.

Ryuuzaki smiled. His plan had worked. "Got you."


	5. Entry Five

**In Black Crayon**

**  
(October The Sixth)**

_Dear Journal,_

_Damn.  
I didn't know rabies shots hurt so much.  
The skin is actually pulsating near the injection.  
Every time I put weight on it, it burns like flaming acid.  
Bugger… I won't be able to sit for weeks._

Light rubbed at the very sore, very discolored wound on his rump. He could not stifle a hiss of pain as his nails raked over the minuscule area where he'd received the inoculation. Why he'd wanted the injection in the first place, he could not recall.

"Light-kun should avoid irritating the vaccinated area. He would not want it to become infected." Ryuuzaki said monotonously, chewing on the asperous edges that had become of his fingernails.

Light ground his jaw in anger. "I am aware, Ryuuzaki. Please return to your own business now to avoid further inducing my insuppressible rage, thank you." The words, despite dripping with venom, had no affect on the detective.

Typical.

"Suppressing rage is not healthy for Light-kun," Ryuuzaki replied slowly. "It enforces extreme adrenaline rushes, and the amount of oxygen being pumped through his bloodstream may harm him."

Light's eye twitched.

_I swear the physician was gay.  
He looked so… Ryuuzaki-ish when he told me to remove my pants.  
And when he injected the needle, I felt him grope my ass.  
Freaking degenerates.  
They're out to get me.  
Everyone's out to get me._

Truthfully, it had not been a very good day for Light. Not only had he received an inoculation in a most agonizing area, but he'd also quite nearly lost his innocence to a raging homosexual doctor, and almost had his hand chewed off by a rabid insomniac.

Not to mention the microwave exploding, the stale, inedible dinner, and the fact that Ryuuzaki had slept peacefully for three nights, and was now rejuvenated and would remain awake for the next few weeks because his body did not require much sleep.

_Damnit.  
He's just saying that to piss me off.  
Just so he can get revenge against me  
For when I whacked him over the head with the plastic bladder from the manikin at the Hospital.  
Stupid bastard.  
If he hadn't mentioned to the doctor that I was suspected of manslaughter  
I wouldn't have had to hit him._

"So, let me get this straight," Light began as he tucked his journal safely under his pillow. "You're telling me that you only need to rest for three days, just enough for your body to recuperate, and then you can go without sleep for three weeks consecutively?"

"Correct," Ryuuzaki replied from his comfortable position sitting cross-legged on his side of the bed with his laptop balancing precariously on his knees. His arm was wrapped around his cracker oligopoly, which he had successfully completed and had now deemed his slightly abnormal_security item_.

_Unbelievable_. Light's hand twitched ever so slightly. _Well,_ he thought, _that's a first_. "And… why are you telling this to me?" Honestly, what thought could have possibly possessed Ryuuzaki to think it was appropriate to actually confess his insomnia to Light? Did that not mean that Light would lose sleep, too?

Ryuuzaki raised one shoulder in a nonchalant shrug. "I just thought Light-kun would want to know."

"Doesn't that mean that I'll lose sleep, too?" Light could not help but retort. "How do you expect me to sleep with you tap-tappitying on your laptop all night?"

Ryuuzaki paused to briefly glance at the ginger-haired prodigy. "Now you're just being difficult," he replied. "Light-kun does not seem to have any trouble falling and remaining asleep at his desk during the time he's supposed to be pursuing a homicidal killer. That only further convinces me that Light is Kira, as he seems to lack the enthusiasm to capture him. Twenty-four point three percent, Light-kun."

Light blinked, unable to process all that Ryuuzaki had just said. "…What?"

"Light obviously has no trouble sleeping, and he is just trying to lure me into falling asleep so he can proceed with his reign of execution while my back is turned." Ryuuzaki stuck his finger into his mouth and chewed on it thoughtfully.

"That's absurd!" Light was appalled. "You're accusing me of being Kira just because I, like _all_ homo sapiens, require sleep and you don't?"

"Light-kun, don't you think you're a bit too young to presume which gender you feel more appealed to?"

"I said homo _sapien_, not _homosexual_!" Light snapped. "And, beyond that, you have no right to throw false accusations at me! If anything, it should be _you_ under surveillance! No one knows a thing about you, your name, or where you live! You spend all your time looking at God-knows-what on your laptop, you refuse to sleep at night, _and_ you bite in your sleep. If that's not suspicious behavior, then I don't know what is."

A look of bewilderment briefly graced Ryuuzaki's pale features, but it diminished much too quickly. "I have no response to Light-kun's accusations. However, I know for a fact that Light's sleeping patterns are fine, and that he can sleep through just about any predicament, matterless of how disrupting it may be. For example, the time I accidentally dropped my ice-cream on his head, or yesterday when I witnessed Amane-san perform erotic gestures on him while he slept."

Light blinked. "Misa… tried to molest me in my sleep?"

"If you would like to put it in such terms, yes," Ryuuzaki replied. "And to correct you, she _did_ molest you in your sleep. Twice. And I watched."

Light gaped, appalled. "You— you actually watched Misa screw my sleeping body? You— you _degenerate_!"

"Now, Light-kun, don't you think you're being a bit harsh? Degenerate is a very malapropos term."

"Not malapropos enough," Light uttered under his breath. "Oh, no, you're not a degenerate, Ryuuzaki. Degenerate is much too facile. What you are is a corrupted debauchee!" Light's grin was unnaturally nefarious. "Yes, that's right, Ryuuzaki; I called you a debauchee."

A bout of unwavering silence swept past, and was spontaneously broken when Ryuuzaki emitted a heavy sigh. Setting his laptop and nutriment structure aside, he leaned over to Light's section of the bed and took Light's side of the bed covers delicately between two fingers.

"I think it's time Light-kun went to sleep," he said softly. "His mind is under painful duress trying to stay conscious, and it is evoking his ways of thinking to delude." He pulled the bed covers up to Light's shoulders and maladroitly tucked him in. "Go to sleep, Light-kun, and we shall continue our innocuous banter tomorrow."

Light suppressed the urge to lash out at the dark-haired insomniac, and decided it better to ambush him tomorrow when he least expected it. Whipping around to lie on his other side —away from the sugar-feasting hunchback— he took his journal out one last time to write a final entry before going to sleep.

_Tomorrow afternoon, two PM sharp  
When Ryuuzaki is dropping the last of eight sugar cubes into his afternoon tea  
I shall strike.  
With fists of iron  
And a steel mace  
If I can find one…  
I will show no mercy.  
Victory shall be mine!  
Checkmate number two, Ryuuzaki._

_-Light_

Ryuuzaki's surmise of Light's exhaustion causing his mind to deviate into a state of disorder was agonizingly correct. Even he had to admit that. For during the two hours, six minutes, and thirty-three seconds Light was sleeping, his dreams were fraught with a distorted, pernicious Ryuuzaki overruling the planet with his army of cupcakes and an arsenal of exploding shortcakes.

**--------O--------**

"Light-kun."

Light awoke to the heavy aroma of saccharine serum and the sensation of damp, adhesive liquid sticking to his face. He tried to open his eyes, and was startled when he discovered that the aqueous solution had glued his eyelids shut.

"Light-kun." That ever-provocative, candy-reeking voice that belonged to none other than the Willy Wonka doppelganger himself called out. "Wake up, Light-kun."

Light shuddered in both irritation at being awoken and disgust at the scent of Ryuuzaki's hot, sugary breath. Judging by the overpowering stench surrounding him, Light estimated that Ryuuzaki was less than an inch away from him.

Typical. The man had no respect for Light's personal space.

Small, delicate slurping sounds were heard, accompanied by a cacophonous crunch and noisy chewing. Hard bits of God-knows-what and sticky liquid trickled onto Light's face.

_Ugh, what the hell is he eating? _Light forcefully pried open his eyes, and wiped the bits and slime from his face with the back of his hand. He squinted, staring at the peculiar, multi-hued matter trailing down his knuckle.

His eyes widened when he finally distinguished what the concoction was. Bronze optics of paranormal size slowly trailed until finally resting on dark, void-like hues staring at him from only inches above his face.

Light screamed. He flung himself away from the offender and scrambled to the end of the bed, all the while desperately trying to rub the mass of masticated serum off his face. "Ew! Ew, ew, ew! Oh my God, EWW! That's disgusting, Ryuuzaki!" he cried.

The addressed man dawned a look of offense. "My apologies, Light-kun, I had not intended to frighten you," he said, or at least, tried to say. Though, due to the tire-sized lollipop protruding from his mouth his sentence emitted as incoherent gibberish.

Ryuuzaki blinked, then carefully extracted the candy sucker from his jaws. "My apologies, Light-kun," he repeated. "I had not intended to frighten you."

The ginger-haired prodigy disregarded the apology, and instead fixed the detective with a heated glare. "Ryuuzaki, what the flaming hell are you doing?"

"Why, I believe I am enjoying this lollipop," Ryuuzaki replied, punctuating his sentence by tentatively licking his treat.

"No, I mean, what are you doing sitting up _there_ of all places."

Ryuuzaki looked down at his bare feet, which were positioned delicately on the head of the wooden bed frame. His back was against the wall, and due to his peculiar curled up position, his neck and head were thrust forward.

"It is quite comfortable up here," Ryuuzaki replied honestly. "The bed was too soft."

Light shivered. From below, it appeared that the dark detective was looming ominously over him. The over-sized lollipop jammed in his mouth caused his entire face to swell and eyes to expand in a way that could easily be called creepy. The laptop balancing on his knee cast glowing shadows over his pale face, adding to the bloodcurdling image that was an infamous detective eating a lollipop.

Light swallowed hard, and regained his composure. "D-Damnit, Ryuuzaki! It's two in the morning. Get down from there before you break that laptop! And, God damnit, what have I told you about bringing food to bed?"

Ryuuzaki licked his treat. "Light-kun told me to _God freaking damnit stop bringing food to bed, you stupid, fat imbecile! How do you expect me to get a good nights sleep with you stuffing your freaking face and getting everything all crumby and sticky!_"

Light was appalled. Ryuuzaki had repeated his exact phrase flawlessly, word for word.

"Also," Ryuuzaki added, "no, thank you. I would much rather stay up here and enjoy my treat. If Light-kun wishes, he may return to his sleeping now."

A piqued Light opened his mouth to argue, but then decided against it. Honestly, what would quarreling with a sugar-fixated detective at two in the morning accomplish? If anything, it would be much more efficient to wait until tomorrow to commence arguing. Not only would Light feel rejuvenated and thus conjure up better insults, but Ryuuzaki would be exhausted and most likely lose the verbal battle.

"Whatever, Ryuuzaki," Light uttered, chagrined at having to wait until tomorrow to unleash his white-hot wrath upon the oblivious insomniac. "Just don't spill anymore of that revolting mess of saccharine that you call a lollipop on me."

Due to Light's section of the bed being doused with colorful syrup and chewed-up candy bits he was left, to his dismay, to crawl over and lie on Ryuuzaki's side of the bed. The pillow reeked of assorted stale sweets, dry saliva, and musty sweat, and the ends of Ryuuzaki's half of the bed covers had been gnawed off.

Nonetheless, Light settled down into a comfortable position on the least repugnant section of Ryuuzaki's pillow and, careful of the tattered, masticated edges, pulled the bed covers over his shoulders. He could hear Ryuuzaki's dissonant slurping above him, and shuddered at the mental vision of the wide, owl-like eyes staring at him through the dark.

"I-I'm going to sleep now, Ryuuzaki," The Kira suspect said. "If you value your life you won't wake me up again."

"I understand," Ryuuzaki replied. "I will leave Light-kun to rest undisturbed. But, of course, with the exception of a spontaneous fire occurring. Then I am positive Light-kun will wish for me to awaken him."

_On the contrary_… Light thought bitterly. _I think I'd much rather burn to death_. Yawning, he turned over onto his back, but frowned when he thought that just beyond his closed eyelids those wide, unblinking optics were staring at him.

"Goodnight, Light-kun," Ryuuzaki bade gently, sucking idly on his lollipop.

"Yeah, goodnight," Light mumbled. He made to turn onto his side, but a brusque, cracking noise sounded from beneath him. The sound was accompanied by the sensation of solid bits and sand against Light's shirt.

Light stilled.

"Oh, dear," Ryuuzaki spoke from above. "It seems that Light-kun has rolled onto my oligopoly corporation and crushed it." His tone gave way to genuine dismay. "How unfortunate. And I was about to launch its first advertisement, too."

Light twitched, but otherwise remained motionless. _Screw Ryuuzaki_. _I'll get him tomorrow, at the break of noon… right after I shower_. He rolled over again, bringing with him the remains of the oligopoly cracker corporation.

"What the hell was it doing in the bed, anyway?" Light mumbled through clenched teeth.

"I simply grew tired of holding it in my arms," Ryuuzaki replied modestly. "I had not expected Light-kun to roll over and crush it accidentally." He paused, biting his thumb in thought. "Then again, perhaps I should have. It is definitely something of Kira relation to demolish a building…"

"Ryuuzaki?" Light interrupted before Ryuuzaki could further look into his hypothesis.

"Yes, Light-kun?"

"Shut the hell up."

"My pleasure, Light-kun."

**--------O--------**

**Again, My Apologies. It Took Me A Few Weeks To Finish This Chapter. Halfway Through, I Got A Spontaneous Case Of Writers Block. But, I Think I Annihilated It Quite Efficiently With The Mental Image Of Ryuuzaki Feasting On A Huge Lollipop. (Ahahahahaha!) I Must Also Add That If I Actually Entitled Each Chapter, This One Would Be Deemed, **_**The Worst Night Of Light's Life.**_

**Also, For Those Of You Wondering Where The Idea Came From, I Believe It Spawned Itself From A) The Fact That My Young Cousin Used To Bring Crackers And Cookies To Bed With Him, And B) Whilst Traipsing In The City A Few Weeks Ago, I Came Across A Candy Shop That Sold Giant Lollipops The Size Of Tires.**


	6. Entry Six

**In Black Crayon**

**  
(October The Seventh)**

_Dear Journal,_

_Woke up with cracker bits in my briefs  
Lollipop juice and saliva on my new white shirt  
And a half-eaten semi lollipop stuck in my hair.  
Oh, and the Willy Wonka hunchback hovering over my head  
With his eyes wide open._  
…_Screw killing Ryuuzaki.  
I'll just commit suicide instead._

It truly was a horrid sight. The notorious detective positioned in a half-fetal position on the bed frame, his eyes wide, unblinking, and staring at the laptop sitting still in his lap. His mouth was opened as if the lollipop was still resting between his jaws, even though it wasn't.

The only thing that clued Light to his unconsciousness was his eyes, usually focused and steady, now nearly crossed and glassed-over. That, and the gentle snores that emitted from his mouth every few seconds.

_It's kind of sad that I look even worse than him.  
And that's really saying something.  
Stupid jackass.  
Ugh.  
Everytime I even so much as twitch  
Crushed cracker sand crawls up my ass.  
Good Lord, what if it gets into my rabies shot wound?_

Light aroused himself into a languid half-sitting position. He winced as grains of graham cracker crumbs rode up his back and shorts. It felt like the whole bed was coated in a layer of fine sand, and Light realized he must have either had a massive seizure during the night, or rolled over convulsively numerous times.

Rubbing his eyes, which were stiff due to the now dry serum stuck to them, Light thrust the bed covers off and made to haul himself from the bed. The chain between him and Ryuuzaki went taut, ceasing his actions and dragging him back down.

Light exhaled heavily, blowing firm, stringy strands of glucose-drenched hair out of his eyes. It was much too early in the morning to have to deal with this.

_I'm so freaking tired.  
Waking up to find yourself covered in gross rabid detective spit,  
A lollipop stuck in your hair,  
And a demented, psychotic insomniac looming over your head  
Is definitely not the best experience ever.  
Seriously._

"Ryuuzaki… wake up, Ryuuzaki. Come on." Light tugged the chain tiredly, trying to drag the detective out of his peculiar, open-eyed sleep. "It's too early for this… come on, get up, bastard…" Ryuuzaki merely hung his tongue from his mouth and drooled in response.

Light sighed. He wrapped his wrist around the excess chain, grabbed the links and jerked forward with as much force as he could. Ryuuzaki went sailing from his perch, hit and ricocheted off the bed, and landed with an audible thump in a heap on the floor.

The insomniac lay motionless for several moments, before stirring slightly. He emitted a painful moan as he heaved himself off the floor.

"Light-kun…?" he mumbled incoherently, grasping the bed to steady himself. "Light… using the chain for detrimental purposes raises my suspicion of you being Kira.. by two percent."

Light twitched. "Whatever, Ryuuzaki, just hurry and get up. I need to take a shower."

Ryuuzaki took his time leisurely getting to his feet. "Light-kun does not commonly have showers.. does he have a motive, perhaps?" the detective mumbled to himself as he straightened out his askew clothing. "Is he hiding plans of homicide under his clothing? Or, perhaps, a weapon to use against me when I'm not looking…"

A deep, angry noise emitted from the back of Light's throat.

_Nothing's easy with Ryuuzaki, is it?  
Even taking a freaking shower.  
Damnit, I never throw accusations at him when he's showering!  
Mentally corrupted bastard._

_-Light_

"No, Ryuuzaki, I merely wish to shower because I —like all homo sapiens— like to retain personal hygiene," Light replied. "And, Goddamnit, I said homo _sapien_, not _homosexual_, so don't even bother saying it."

"My pleasure, Light-kun. Though I had no intentions of saying it, anyway." It suddenly registered in the detective's mind that Light's appearance was slightly peculiar, and he could not refrain from speaking his thoughts. "I did not know that Light-kun was partial to loitering in his own filth."

The prodigy shot Ryuuzaki a pernicious glare, then took hold of the chain and roughly dragged the insomniac toward the washing facility.

"By the way, Light," Ryuuzaki said as he patiently submitted to Light's forceful tugging. "Have you any clue where my lollipop went off to?"

**--------O--------**

_Dear Journal,_

_Finally, I'm free of that skinny twit.  
Though, I can hardly consider this freedom  
Since the only thing standing between us is rubber-ducky bath curtains.  
**Transparent**__ rubber-ducky bath curtains.  
Good God, is Ryuuzaki looking at me?_  
…_Damnit, bastard, stop looking at my ding-a-ling._

"Ryuuzaki, can you please look somewhere else?" Light growled as he massaged Ryuuzaki's _Herbal Essence_ shampoo into his hair. Why Ryuuzaki even used _Herbal Essence_ shampoo, which was clearly a product for women, was completely beyond Light.

"Of course, Light-kun," Ryuuzaki replied modestly. "If Light is self-conscious about his male anatomy, I will gladly oblige and look elsewhere." A brief moment of silence passed, and then, "Light-kun has very well-defined breasts."

"Ryuuzaki!" The teen shrieked. "Damnit, I meant look somewhere that doesn't involve me!"

"My pleasure, Light-kun."

_Freaking pervert.  
What is he.. like, twenty two? Twenty four?  
I could sue him for child molestation.  
Stupid lecherous imbecile.  
Has it even occurred to him that writing in my journal  
Without getting the pages wet is completely against the law of physics?  
Apparently not.  
Moron._

_-Light_

Light massaged the shampoo through his hair and winced when his fingertips ran over the semi, teeth-marked lollipop that was still embedded in his hair. However hard he pulled, the candy remained stuck. It would take a long while and several showers to completely get rid of it.

Light glared pointedly at the detective through the bath curtains. He was almost certain that Ryuuzaki was still looking at him, boring his owlish eyes into Light's muscular and perfectly sculpted body.

_He's jealous,_ Light thought with a pompous smirk. _Because my body is so flawlessly flawless and his isn't_. The prodigy thought back to the prior times he'd seen Ryuuzaki shower. _I mean, he's got those spindly little legs and like, no muscle whatsoever_._ And, ugh! His butt looks just like a deflated soccer ball!_

"I'll have you know, Light-kun, that I happen to have a particularly gaunt gluteus maximus," Ryuuzaki said firmly. "It is not _deflated_ or like a _soccer ball_, as you said, in any way."

Light froze. "…What?"

"And, does Light-kun not think it is rather inappropriate to insult my figure when he, himself has flaws, too? For instance, my gluteus maximus may be_ deflated_, but at least mine doesn't protrude like Light-kun's."

"Are you saying that my butt sticks out?" Light pulled the bath curtains aside only slightly to send a fierce glare at the detective. "My butt does **not** stick out. And, even if it did, it would only be caused by swelling from that rabies shot I got earlier."

Undaunted as ever, Ryuuzaki met Light's glare with a deadpan. "Of course, Light-kun," he replied. "I was simply responding to your affront. Which, I might add, you were saying aloud and not thinking of."

Light revolved his eyes and returned to his shower. _Ignore him,_ he told himself. _He just wants attention_. But, just as Light was reaching for the conditioner (Again, why question it?) he could have sworn he heard Ryuuzaki mumble under his breath, _"Stick-out butt_."

_Well, two can play at that game_. Light faked a cough to cover up the _"Flat-ass!"_ he retorted with.

"**Fat**-ass."

"Beach-ball-bum."

"…Stick-out butt."

**--------O--------**

_Dear Journal,_

_It's 9:00. Ryuuzaki and I are late again.  
We were supposed to meet the others in the investigation room an hour ago.  
But we got delayed.  
Damn Ryuuzaki.  
He's gonna give me a bad reputation._

"Remind me again, Ryuuzaki, why we're still here?" Light asked curtly.

"I have yet to find a suitable meal for breakfast," the detective replied as he poked around in the cupboards and prodded through the pantries like a starving animal. He'd been searching for an hour now (Thus causing the delay), and had stumbled upon only bits and morsels of stale or inedible food.

"Doesn't Watari usually bring your meals?"

"Yes," Ryuuzaki replied absent-mindedly, "but Watari has not returned yet."

"And… that doesn't worry you?"

"Not in the least. I am more worried about finding a decent breakfast for Light-kun and I."

Light sighed. He didn't much care whether he ate breakfast or not.

_Okay, that's a lie.  
I poured the crumbs from Ryuuzaki's cracker corporation into a bowl  
And ate them with milk earlier.  
I told Ryuuzaki they were crushed Bran Flakes that Dad brought me.  
The idiot believed the whole thing.  
Hah._

"I would appreciate Light-kun's assistance," Ryuuzaki said as he stooped to raid through a cupboard.

The prodigy heaved a lugubrious sigh. "I'm doing as much as I can, Ryuuzaki," he lied. "Frankly, I think it's you who's not pulling his weight around."

Ryuuzaki paused momentarily and drew his head from the cupboard. He sent Light a peculiar look, then returned to scavenging. Surprisingly, Light actually minded and got to his feet to assist the detective. He thrust open the refrigerator door and peered inside. He was met with only the bitter remains of empty bottles and expired meat.

Blinking, Light shut the refrigerator and opened the freezer. Only bursts of icy mist and frost-encrusted walls were visible. He shut the freezer slowly and turned to Ryuuzaki, who had worked his way across the kitchen and was raiding the cutlery drawers.

"Ryuuzaki…" Light addressed the detective hesitantly.

The insomniac regarded Light only briefly with a wave of his hand, so transfixed was he in finding a decent bit of food. Light hooked his fingers in the chain links and shook them, catching Ryuuzaki's attention.

"I think it's time we went to the Super market."

_I'm gonna need a hat or something to hide the lollipop._

_-Light_

_P.S. My butt does __**not**__ stick out._

**--------O--------**

**Sigh… Another Late Update. Oh, Well. Beggers Can't Be Choosers, I Suppose. Whatever That Means.**

**So, Good News, It Started Snowing Two Days Ago. Bad News, It Hasn't Stopped Yet. Worse News, It Was A Snow Day Today, Meaning I Had To Sit At Home And Keep An Eye On My Rambunctious Brothers.**

**Geez. I Turn My Back On Them For One Second, And When I Look Back They're Kicking Dad's Special Santa Claus Manikin Around The Yard. And They Never Pick Up Their Coats Or Snow Pants, And How Many Sopping Gloves Have I Slipped On Today?**

**Ugh. Well, At Least I Got Something Done.**


	7. Entry Seven

**In Black Crayon**

**  
(Still October The Seventh)**

_Dear Journal,_

_So, maybe bringing Ryuuzaki to the super market is not the smartest idea.  
I mean, this is Ryuuzaki, after all.  
The moron who uses conditioner and thinks vinegar is used in oatmeal.  
And believes that chaining himself to other men is neither kinky nor suspicious in any ways._  
…_Screw what I previously wrote.  
Bringing Ryuuzaki to the super market is inevitable suicide.  
But I need the fresh air.  
Or I may not have the energy to strangle Ryuuzaki with my hands._

_-Light_

"You will remember to behave, right, Ryuuzaki?" Light asked as he stood in front of the mirror and examined the trim, grey fedora resting on his head. He tilted the hat to the left, and then the right before deducing it to be unsuitable and tossing it aside.

Ryuuzaki, from his comfortable position sitting cross-legged on the end of the bed with a package of hard candies sitting in his lap, looked up and blinked. "Define _behave_," he replied through a mouthful of strawberry-flavored sweets.

"I mean, act exactly the opposite of how you act here," Light explained curtly, plucking another hat from the cardboard box that Mastuda had delivered to him as per request. This one was flimsy, pink, and embroidered with soft frills.

Light, despite knowing painfully well that wearing this hat in public would result in him forever being labeled a cross-dresser, gently rested the hat on his head and positioned it to his liking. He had to admit it was quite comfortable and ample.

"Light-kun demonstrates a preference toward dressing in female garments," Ryuuzaki quietly observed.

"Light-kun does not! I mean, I do not!" Light shouted, ripping the hat from his head and throwing it aside. As if to prove how vast his dislike toward wearing female clothing was, Light made quite a show of dramatically stomping on and crushing the hat with his shoes, despite his minds objurgating protests.

"You see, Ryuuzaki?" He said, turning to the detective. "Maybe next time you'll think twice before accusing me of being a transvestite." He thrust his head in a very unmanly mannerism and turned his back to Ryuuzaki, fishing another hat out of the box and placing it on his head.

Ryuuzaki merely stared and slowly suckled on the strawberry candies in his mouth.

Once Light had finished fretting over the most practical and camouflage hat to wear, which turned out to be a soft ushanka with fold down ear flaps (that in Light's opinion looked like a perfect dissimulator. Ryuuzaki, however, whose thoughts contradicted Light's, plainly saw the headwear as a socially-appalling oddity), the two slipped into their shoes and headed for the stairs.

"Need food. Going to the super market," Light adequately explained to his Father and the investigation team as he hauled Ryuuzaki toward the entrance. "Be back soon. With food. Bye." The door closed with a delicate noise as the two exited.

The investigation team could only stare, blinking intelligently at the door.

"…Chief," Matsuda said quietly, voice unnaturally tentative. "What… was that…_thing_ your son had on his head?"

Soichiro blinked, tilted his head to one side, and then shook it fiercely. "No, I don't want to know," he muttered to himself.

**--------O-------- **

_Dear Journal,_

_Note to self: Never bring a sugar-feasting insomniac to the super market.  
Ever.  
It's like pushing an acrophobic off a mountain.  
Ryuuzaki won't stop twitching or fiddling with his shirt.  
And he keeps taking his shoes off and trying to hide them in the parsnip bin.  
And, damnit, he keeps picking fruit out of the bin and eating them!  
It's like he's freaking five!_

"Damnit, Ryuuzaki, take that cherry out of your mouth and put it back," Light berated for the umpteenth time. Through clenched teeth, he added, "And get your shoes out of that bin. You look like a freaking hobo."

With obvious chagrin, Ryuuzaki plucked the cherry stem out of his mouth and obediently flicked it into the stand from which he stole it. He then made his way over to the parsnip bin, stretching the chain on his wrist to near-taut, and dug his shoes out, then returned to Light's side.

"I still cannot fathom why we must transfer the food to our inanimate food carriers instead of simply eating the food from the stands," Ryuuzaki said as he trailed after the prodigy down the long, subfusc aisles. "And how would refusing to wear claustrophobia-inducing footwear give me the appearance of a homeless person?"

Light ground his teeth. "It. Just. Does." He replied slowly, punctuating each word with venom.

Now, Light was not usually so irascible; especially in public. However, grocery shopping with one who possessed such infuriating idiosyncrasies as Ryuuzaki could bring out the satanic side in anyone.

And it was not just his complete lack of social skills that aggravated Light, either. Ryuuzaki had not shut his mouth even once since they'd entered the store. Question after question, remark after remark, observation after observation after bloody _observation_! Droning, yapping, blabbering on and on in a repulsively inexorable rave!

_He will not shut up!  
He openly proclaims every freaking thought that passes through his mind!  
It's unbefrea—_

"Has Light-kun ever contemplated the anatomy of corn?" Ryuuzaki interrupted brusquely as he held up an ear of corn. "Such an anomalous nutriment! The core, surrounded by edible seeds and protectively coated by a layer of thick foliage!" He observed every particle of the vegetable, eyes wide in coruscation. "Fascinating, isn't it, Light?"

_Kinglievable!  
I've never received such abhorrent stares in my life.  
I'm going to have to seriously consider severing my hand.  
It may be my only option._

Ryuuzaki carefully laid an ear of corn inside the shopping cart. When Light gave him an inquisitive look, he explained. "I wish to purchase this corn to further analyze it later." The expression on his face was dead serious.

"Why?" Light could not prevent himself from asking. "Are you going to try to bring it to life or something?"

The insomniac scoffed. "Light-kun is being ridiculous," he contradicted, but then paused suddenly and became sullen. "Perhaps… if I had the right equipment… I could use the storage room as a laboratory, and we have voltaic devices that could generate enough bolts of electricity to…"

_Note to self: Buy saw.  
No, scratch that.  
Note to self: Buy compound mitre saw.  
And a bucket.  
And towels.  
Lots and lots of towels._

_-Light_

**--------O--------**

Half an hour later, Light found himself leaning against the almost-full grocery cart with the perpetual irked expression imprinted on his face. He had tried with such zealousness to avoid this aisle, and yet, Ryuuzaki's phenomenal sugar senses had found it. The candy aisle.

Light had been stuck, unable to move without fracturing his wrist, with his arm erect and the chain connecting him to the insomniac completely exposed and rigid, while said insomniac all but pleasured himself with gummy worms and chocolate bars.

Light hadn't moved in fifteen minutes. Fourteen minutes and forty-three seconds, his watch corrected when he lifted his wrist to check it.

Light sighed and tugged on the furry earflaps of his hat. Oh, how grateful he was to be wearing such an efficient masquerade.

_I should have gnawed my wrist off thirteen minutes ago.  
And let the manager handle that thrice-damned twit.  
But_..._ it would be rather cruel and unusual to leave him defenseless in a super market.  
So I guess I'll wait._  
…_Alright, that's all bullshit. I'd rather find a mysterious notebook that kills people and go delusional with megalomaniac power  
Than chew my hand off.  
Plus, the dipshit has all the money.  
That bastard._

It startled even Light how long he'd been able to withstand shopping with Ryuuzaki. Not only had he been completely capable of ignoring the detective's incessant rambling, but his socially-eradicating habits and meticulous quirks as well.

Screw corn. That, in itself, was downright coruscating.

Another session of long, relentless minutes passed. Light waited as calm and composed as he could, even though his patience was wearing precariously thin. When the prodigy felt his arm, throbbing with pain from remaining tense and upright for so long, jerk as the chain was tugged violently, he turned to look at the detective.

He winced, and immediately wished that he hadn't.

It looked like Ryuuzaki was pleasuring himself with _Twizzlers_.

_I think I just had a baby barf._

"Ryuuzaki, please, this is getting ridiculous," Light, unable to wait any longer, interrupted. "You don't need that much candy. You'll fall into a diabetic coma while we're in the lavatories or walking down a flight of stairs and I'll emaciate waiting for the emergency personnel to discover your absence."

"Light-kun is being silly," Ryuuzaki replied absent-mindedly as he tossed an armload of liquorices into the shopping cart. Light had to duck to narrowly avoid being hit by the flailing candies. "If I were to fall into a diabetic coma, which I can say without hesitance will never happen, the investigation team would find me within the hour, I assure you."

"That's not the point!" Light retorted, "I'm exhausted, and I'm hungry, and this hat itches like a bugger. Dad probably thinks we got into a terrorist attack or something, it's been so long!" For convincing, albeit melodramatic emphasis, Light added, "Freaking hell, will I still be eighteen by the time we leave this super market?"

"Light-kun can rest assured. We will be back before his birthday. I have already decided on the kind of cake I plan to bake for him," The detective replied in his futile endeavor to console the younger man.

Face flushed with anger, Light opened his mouth to contradict, but then closed it and decided it best not to lose his composure in the middle of a store. Instead, he crossed his arms, fumed, and glared at the wall.

_This is probably Ryuuzaki's revenge against last night when I squished his cracker-crap building._  
…_Damnit, it was an accident.  
It's not my fault he placed it like, right in range in the path of my rolling.  
The idiot should pay more attention._

And as Light attempted to burn holes into the bland store wall, he suddenly became aware of a quiddity. There, placed on a prominent, festive stand in the middle of the store not two feet to his right was a collection of ginger-bread houses.

_Ginger-bread houses.. in October? _Light quirked a brow at the strange sight. In an odd way they reminded the teen of Ryuuzaki's hand-made corporation, which had a similar structural basis. Though, the ginger-bread houses were much more intricate and elegant, with various packets of icing and multi-colored candies to adorn the house with.

It looked very much like something Ryuuzaki would create. Or build, if he had the chance to. The more Light thought about it, the more an impulse to buy the house grew, until Light could no longer fight the urge. He checked to ensure the detective's back was averted, then reached over, nimbly plucked a ginger-bread house, and tossed it into the cart.

_It'll keep him occupied for a while.  
And give me enough time to efficiently sever my hand  
Thus freeing myself from that bastard's restraints.  
Then I'll break through the window, descend the building, get a prosthetic hand, begin my life anew as a wanted criminal…  
Err, screw that. I'll just fart on Ryuuzaki's face while he's sleeping.  
Haha._

**--------O--------**

**I Know It Took Me Almost Two Months To Update. I've Been So Busy Of Late, What With The Holiday's And Such, Not To Mention The Vacation My Mum Planned. I Managed To Squeeze In This Chapter Right Before Leaving On My Two-Week Vacation.**

**Yes; I Could Have Done Better With The Ending. But I've Been Saving That Ending For Some Time Now, And Although It Does Not Really Fit With Light's Antagonistic Persona, I Think It's Appropriate.**

**On An End Note, And This Is Completely Off Topic, I Mysteriously Happened To Receive A Soft Ushanka With Fold-Down Ear Flaps For Christmas Right After Writing About Light Receiving One. Lol. I Can't Bear To Wear It Without Feeling That I've Stolen It From Light.**


	8. Entry Eight

**In Black Crayon**

**(Still October The Seventh)**

_Dear Journal,_

_I'm seriously beginning to regret buying that gingerbread house for Ryuuzaki.  
He seriously doesn't deserve it.  
I mean, I thought about all the horrid things he put me through in the past  
And I thought,_  
'_Man, what an asshole!'  
Seriously._

Light paused and looked up from his journal to fix Ryuuzaki with a fierce glower. The unruly-haired insomniac was staring absent-mindedly out the window and idly sucking on his fingers. He seemed to be lost in his mind. Light contemplated whether or not to throw something at him, but decided against it.

The rented taxi that the two were seated in lurched to one side. Light directed his glare to the driver, who was a senior-aged man who had an incessant facial twitch and appeared to have Tourette's syndrome.

_Ryuuzaki bought so much crap that we had to call a taxi.  
And it's just freaking luck that we get stuck with the only driver in Kanto Japan  
Who has a mental illness.  
Seriously, this guy looks like he could break into a seizure  
Any second now._

Light suddenly became aware of a growing unease in the back of his mind. His gaze flickered from his journal to glance across from him at Ryuuzaki, who had lost interest in the scenery and currently had his owl-like stare fixed upon the prodigy.

Light was not keen on being stared at whilst partaking in such a peculiar activity as journaling, and hastily shut his book and tucked it away. He shuffled over on the bland, sagging seat to put whatever meager amount of propinquity he could gain in such a diminutive vehicle.

The taxi driver involuntarily jerked and emitted a throaty growl. Light eyed him skeptically, then reached up and firmly took hold of the ceiling handle. Momentarily, the reason behind why he'd allowed Ryuuzaki to convince him into taking a taxi was absent.

"Ooh," Ryuuzaki said suddenly, sitting up. "Turn up the radio volume, please. I love this song."

The driver whipped his head around with such force that Light was surprised he did not give himself whiplash. He obediently reached for the volume knob and twisted it, until a cacophony of music burst through the speakers in the form of Chuck Berry's _My Ding-a-ling-a-ling_.

"…_Two silver bells hanging on a string, she told me it was my ding-a-ling-a-ling…"_

_Ugh!_ Light donned a look of repugnancy. _Damnit, not this song!_ To him, the very thought of a song containing such erotic lyrics was utterly repulsing.

Ryuuzaki, however, had a contradicting opinion on the song. He bobbed his head in tune with the rhythm and began to sing along in a monotone, off-key voice. _"My ding-a-ling, my ding-a-ling, won't you play with my ding-a-ling!"_

"_Muh-my ding-a-l-ling! M-my ding-a-a-ling! W-won't you p-p-play with my d-ding-a-ling!" _The taxi driver echoed the insomniac, albeit in a higher voice embellished with stuttering and the occasional bark or grunt.

Light groaned, drawing his legs to his chest and burying his head in his knees.

_What a disgusting, despicable song.  
Seriously, who wants to hear a guy sing about his penis?  
Freaking ugh!  
Of course I get stuck with the only driver in Japan  
Who has Tourette's syndrome  
And a love for Chuck Berry!  
What is the world coming to?_

_-Light_

**--------O--------**

Light shoved through the front doors of the building, grunting and muttering curses as he juggled several grocery bags in his arms. His ushanka had fallen lopsided on his head, revealing sticky ginger hair and the multi-hued swirls of the masticated lollipop.

Ryuuzaki trotted after the prodigy with the handles of a single shopping bag dangling from his spindly fingers. The reason behind his obvious absence of parcels; well, someone had to pay the taxi driver and converse zealously about their devotion to Chuck Berry, of course.

The Investigation team warily watched the two men, caught between assisting them and disregarding them. The aggravated expression on Light's face, as if he would pull a pistol out on them at any moment, encouraged the latter option.

"Welcome back, Light," Soichiro said tentatively, breaking the silence. "Did you have a good shopping trip…" he trailed off, realizing too late that he should have chosen his words more carefully. Light turned to fix his father with a face weary from the nocuous and irking grocery trip, and replied to the question with an animalistic grunt.

"Yes, it was quite a convivial outing," Ryuuzaki said, donning the equivalency of a delighted expression on his stolid countenance. "I had never known how capacious a super market could be. Did you know that they sell corn there?"

Just as Soichiro was about to respond to the detective, a shrill, saccharine voice cut in. "Light-o! You came back! With food!" Misa cried, her blonde hair dancing behind her as she ran up to envelope Light in her arms. "I missed you, Light-kun!"

Light inclined his head, his ginger fringe shadowing his eyes. He made no move to return Misa's embrace, and simply glared at the floor. "I don't know you," he hissed, voice thick with great acrimony.

"What?" the young actress pulled away to stare up at Light in bewilderment. "Light, what do you mean, you don't know me?"

"I don't know you anymore. You're only an anathema to me," Light continued, gently pushing Misa away. "Ryuuzaki told me that you molested me in my sleep. Is that true?"

Misa looked shocked, opening and closing her mouth several times, as if unable to form comprehensible words. Finally, she averted her eyes and tried to conceal the flush painting across her cheeks. "Misa-Misa has certain needs, Light-o," she murmured.

"Well, you can fulfill those needs from blow-up dolls," Light replied gravely. "I'd better not hear that you've been sleep-raping me anymore. If I do, I swear I'll disown you."

_Dear Journal,_

_Freaking hell.  
No one molests me in my sleep and gets away with it.  
I want to be completely conscious  
And able to enjoy it.  
Damn Misa.  
I could do so much better  
If I wasn't chained to Quasi McSugarpants.  
Damn him. And damn Chuck Berry.  
Seriously, who wants to hear a man sing about his penis.  
Like, freaking eww._

_-Light_

With an uncharacteristically feminine sniff, Light whipped his head around, tossing his gingery hair as he did so, and briskly walked away from his shocked girlfriend and the stunned faces of the investigation team. "Come, Ryuuzaki," he said stolidly, tugging the indifferent-looking detective along.

**--------O--------**

"Huh, the nerve of some people," Light ranted querulously, not with the intention of actually criticizing, but because he felt the need to alleviate his urge to complain. "There's that mentally-handicapped taxi-driver who, by all laws, should be prohibited from driving. And then that cashier at the market who was so obviously flirting with me. _'Ooh, would you like me to double-bag those eggs for you?'_ Hah, I could see right through him. And that damn old cripple on the street that actually had the _nerve_ to antagonize my sexuality and call me a _sin against God_. Like, if God's really so great, then why did he cripple the man?"

Ryuuzaki listened only vaguely. His attention focused more on the package of pocky in his hand, which he was contently nibbling on whilst trying not to trip while he was brusquely dragged up the flight of stairs by the raving teenager, who was still engrossed in a rapacious rant.

"…And Misa, talking about her _needs_, right there in front of Dad and them as if I'm not attentive of her! I mean, I'm a busy man, you know." Light had not taken a breath in a full minute. "What with the whole Kira case and being chained to a sugar-fixated asexual sponge twenty-four-seven. I have my _own_ needs to attend to, and I can't help it if I'm not by her side every waking moment."

Ryuuzaki finally intervened. "But that's the thing," he said, the protruding pocky stick in his mouth bobbing as he spoke. "Light-kun is not attentive to Amane-san's needs. At all. In fact, I've some twenty times heard Light-kun forget or mix her name, and for a full week Light referred to her as a house cat."

Light was momentarily taken by surprise, but quickly recovered and fixed the detective with an exasperated and irked look. "Well, damn, Ryuuzaki. We're both devoted to our jobs, and I've always wanted a cat, but what with the prices of pure-bred, spayed felines these days and… hey, are you listening?"

"Hmm?" Ryuuzaki responded absent-mindedly as he fondled two sticks of pocky. His dark eyes went crossed as he held the sticks close to his face and suddenly rammed them up his nose, leaving the chocolate-coated ends protruding. "Look, I'm a walrus."

Light shook his head at the detective's imprudence.

_Dear Journal,_

_**Five things I have learned today:**  
Ryuuzaki does not do well in social situations.  
A half of a pocky stick can fit up a person's nostril.  
Some people enjoy singing phallic songs.  
Never force an ushanka over a wet lollipop. It will get stuck.  
If my ears were in my armpits I would have to raise my arms to hear someone._  
…  
_Good grief, I need some alcohol._

_-Light_

**--------O--------**

**Once Again, I Apologize For My Perpetual Indolence. It's So Hard To Dodge Writer's Block These Days. It's Like A Virus; It Sneaks Up On You When You Least Expect It, Grabs You When Your Back Is Turned, Then Loiters In Your Chest For Weeks Until You Develop Some Sort Of Acute Respiratory Disease And…**

…**Wait… Well, Maybe That's Just Me.**

_**(Disclaimer: **_**My Ding-A-Ling-A-Ling**_** Belongs To Chuck Berry.)**_

**Also, Despite My Blatant Antagonism Towards Amane Misa, I Do Not Actually Hate Her. In Fact, I Find Her Character In The Series To Be Quite Amusing And Endearing. I Am Simply A Fan Of Extreme, Contemptuous Humor.**


End file.
